Lost Inspiration

So what do you do when this happens to you?

Come to think of it, the title of this post has been the general theme for the past few days. You see, going online for an ungodly number of hours per day has it's benefits - and this particular benefit I mean is that geographical communication borders are broken down greatly. It kinda reminds of the that old concept of a global New World Order, albeit this is more of a technology-themed version. Today, you get to communicate with just about anyone from anywhere, whether they be connected to cyberspace through your local internet cafe or from half way around the world, the setting would be the same - all of you are sitting down on some couch or some propped up chair, looking at a LCD with your hands positioned right in front of you.

When you spend time on forums and social networking sites, chances are high that you get to meet people with similar interests as you - trust me, the internet has a weird but cool way of letting that happen. Most especially when you guys go online at similar times, days go by and the mandatory pop-up chatbox with matching sounds becomes almost expected. It's these little trivial things that would be enough for anyone to keep on doing what he/she has started - for people who think like I do, you can never have too much connections in cyberspace. Of course, that wouldn't be a need if Google was your name, but that's beside the point. The thing is, there's always a benefit when you establish connections online - driving traffic, forum discussions, link sharing, back-linking, portfolio viewing, widgets, etc - you name it, you can have it.

The 'however' part of my story is this though - we can never deny that behind that geeky username and cropped thumbnail image, there's a human being with more than a decade's deep worth of stories to tell. And maybe even more. You see, when you do small talk online, there are tendencies for the conversation to go to a more personal direction. Which isn't really a bad thing - come to think of it, talking to an online persona has the advantage of knowing you won't get any negative feedback to those you share it with. 'Coz chances are, you won't even get to personally meet them at all. With that security, these 'people' then share some of their stories with you. Hell, I don't even know if any part of it were true at all - but if they were, then they'd make a good story for a blockbuster drama movie. Setting up the characters well, boy meets girl, getting deeper into each other, conflict arouses the subjects, crossroads, and the eventual ending - whether they be good or bad. It's these stories that some people never tire of - and there are those stories that just never progress in this line. One subject never gives in to the other, and though they both want to, the risk is not seen as something worth taking. So they wait and float in each other's thought, barely hanging to the concept of being happy with each other, though not doing anything at all to make that happen. This, then, is a cause for lost inspiration.

There are times in your life where you target something - something that keeps you going, something that keeps you afloat, or something that allows to be alive, even for the most meager of reasons. Some people call it a reason - others see it as hope. Others even see it as a great driving force for their everyday routines. For some though, they call it an inspiration. It's that little thing that seems to always to do two things to a person upon sight - one, that their inner selves give off a big smile because of the feeling they get from seeing that inspiration, and two, it allows them to do better. Magis, as how we used to call it in our highschool. Growth, as how business people see it. Optimization, as how computer scientists view it. No matter the term, more often than not there will always be that 'thing' that has inspired you and will continue to - even if the reason for the start of it being an inspiration has already disappeared.

As I carry on this day-to-day charade of the hibernating caveman, I realized that there are some things that need some time to be realized. Feelings can also be a dual-edged sword as well - as much as it can give you bliss in the most pleasurable of moments, it can also be the small, sharp pin needed to blow up a balloon bigger than yourself. You see, in a world ruled by duality, nothing is exempted. Not even immaterial feelings.

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keep fighting me. i'll miss it once it's gone.

This Sucks

It does.

So here I am, tending our store in earnest. For the past few days, this spot has been my office slash getaway. It is here I do my projects, read electronic books, get involved in forums, and check up on new stuff around cyberspace. Not to mention the other daily routine of checking my mail and listening to my playlist in iTunes (which most of the songs there don't come from my personal downloads). Plus, this spot gives me the chance to take advantage of the lull moments of the day and get to focus on my work. This, then, serves a double purpose - because as much as being the only person tending the store for more than the usual number of working hours in a day is boring, it also allows me to devote more time to working and finishing projects and ideas.

It is a personal fault of mine that I have not been able to update this blog as much as I wanted to. You see, priorities have to be set in order for things to go smoothly, and lately I was given a big assignment that I hopefully will be able to finish soon. It gives a big bonus, plus it can give this great friend of mine, Nico, get involved as well. Speaking of him, I would like to devote this one line in this paragraph to him and give him a shout out:"thanks!" for coming over yesterday. Your presence assured me that there is still a society I will be going back to soon enough.

Going back on that assignment, there are going to be new things that will be implemented, mainly the reason for the added incentive. It's not something I'm totally a complete idiot at, but it will take some time to review, master, and implement.

Now here's the catch - I haven't had good sleep in a few days as well. At times, this concoction called Coke would be the only thing that's keeping me awake. That means that as much as I try to be aware that I am sensitive to even little trivial things, there will be times when these little things can cause my temper to overheat. I admit that I might have already mustered some resolve to keep emotions to myself - I have already been practicing it for quite a few years now. However, my status right now isn't something I want to stay in. What I just need is some rest, but as it turns out my schedule won't allow me. And besides, the stubborn side of me doesn't want to let up until everything gets exhausted to almost nothing.

Do not get me wrong though - I am enjoying what I'm doing. Even the most little of consolations in doing this would be reaping me great rewards. So as it goes, the only way to refine gold is through the fire. I just hope that I don't stay in the furnace for too long and eventually evaporate into the atmosphere (though that would be cool to do, right?). Seriously, this blog of mine has recently been of great help, because when you're playing the role of the hibernating caveman, you'd do anything just to remain sane. And part of the requirements of being sane would be some medium to let out all the emotions of a 19-year old kid.

So here I am, going on one of my rants once again. I don't expect you, my friend, to get anything productive out of this, though I still hope you would. I know I did.

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Yes, I admit it - I miss you. Damn.

Burning This Night Away

A couple of years ago, I assumed that this certain "thing" would just pass. You know, just one of those trivial things you did when you were young and you thought the world wasn't big enough for you to conquer. Or even similar to the things you'd tell yourself when you're in the mid-life stage, and you look back to those things that made up for one colorful youth. But hell, I was dead wrong.

I can't really remember the last time I did a post on this blog, but I would just like to make one thing clear - our internet connection wasn't shitty, and neither was our electrical system. You see, the truth is that for a summer break, it has become an irony that I need more than twenty-four hours a day just to satisfy myself with the things I'm doing. And the greater irony here would be that I'm actually enjoying myself. Despite the all-nighters, all the hibernation, and all the eye cells that have lost half their supposed lifespan because I never rest them, I actually am loving this thing I'm doing.

So you might ask what is it I'm rambling about, something I might have intrigued you with because I've been giving our superlatives without really mentioning any subject matter. And it is here I shall disappoint you if you were expecting me to share it out in the open. However, it would be shame to totally deprive you of knowing it, and because I like sharing to people, a clue would be enough information for now. Yes, that would mean that I'd divulge whatever addiction I have soon, just not right now. So here's the clue - the letter W.

So much for a build-up, right? ;p

Other things aside, these last few days have been real cool for me. First and foremost, I realized that I could still go on with my plan of opening senior year with long, uncut hair and even more unkempt facial hair. Yes, I shall literally take this whole "hibernating caveman" charade of mine, and the results that it will give still escape me. You see, this became possible when I chose to have a home-based OJT instead of going for the six-month contract of Alliance. It was a real bummer at first, but then I realized that going for the medical website would be better suited for long term planning. Plus, I get to help my mom in the store too, so that makes it even better.

On a personal note though, there are a few people I'll be missing (and one I already am). There's this one friend that's going back to Manila in a few days, and she won't be back until December. What makes it a bit harder to fathom is that we were supposed to meet up two days ago, but due to unplanned circumstances we weren't able to do so. So yeah, it'll be nine months until we can see each other personally again. Wishing you all the best bp! :)

To the information of everyone, the earliest day I shall get out of this house will be on May 18, and that would be because we need to pass a requirement for our summer practicum. Until then, I will be at home playing my role as the hibernating caveman and devoid myself of social responsibilities for a while. This should be fun.

Yes, I will miss a few people. But despite that longing, it seems it will all be for the better. I guess I need this time too.

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i just long to see you right now.